Chapter 7: "Coming Beside" to Keep Your Church Healthy 

They said Jesus is a drunk, and Paul is not really an apostle and that anyone can do Moses' job. Your church is in good company if it has conflict.

Conflict will always exist in the church, because sinful people attend church. The deacon body must manage the conflict before it overtakes the ministry of the church. Every deacon holds two buckets--one bucket of gas, and another with water. When a conflict flares, he can either add fuel to the fire by throwing gas on it, or put water on it and put out the fire. The church depends on the deacon body to minimize the damage of the conflict. How does a deacon put water on the fire? 

Deacons Don't Protect the Anonymous Source

Journalists must protect the sources for their stories or they will dry up. Some journalist will even go to jail instead of revealing their sources. Deacons, however, do not protect their sources. A friend came to Pastor Bruce's office to verify or dismiss a troubling rumor that questioned his character. She told him the rumor and the name of the person spreading it. Immediately, he reached for the phone. 

"Hi, this is Pastor Bruce, I have Nancy in my office and she tells me that you are saying . . ." Can you imagine the reaction? He got a fast apology. The only reason Pastor Bruce could solve this problem was that Nancy told him the source of the rumor. 

Why do people wish to remain anonymous, yet feel free to spread rumors or stir up conflict? They want you to fight, while they sit back and watch the fireworks. The scripture warns against such people in Proverbs 6:16-19 

[16] These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: [17] A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, [18] An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, [19] A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren. 

They actually have more power to stir conflict if they remain anonymous. "Pastor, some people are saying . . ." sounds more ominous than, "Pastor, Sister Jones, who voted against your call because she wanted her nephew to be our pastor is saying . . . " Truth can stand the scrutiny of the light of day. Secrecy keeps the conflict going and the parties from resolving their differences. 

The scripture teaches that disputing parties should meet in private to resolve their differences before involving other people in Matthew 18:15-17.

Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. [16] But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. [17] And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. 

If the deacon carries a complaint without revealing the source, he is violating the clear instruction of the scripture. 

If the charge is against the pastor or other leader, the scripture teaches that it cannot be considered without two witnesses. "But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established" (Matthew 18:16) A witness is not an anonymous whisperer, rather, it is a person with a name and a face. How can a church confront a legitimate problem if people will not come forward in the open? They can't. If someone comes to you with a problem, yet wishes to remain anonymous, tell them that you cannot hear their complaint unless they allow you to approach the parties involved with all the facts, including their name. You also need to tell them that you will probably instigate a meeting for them to work out their differences.

Deacons Keep the Conflict Private

When conflict comes, it is tempting to publicly correct the misinformation; it doesn't work. The "bully pulpit," escalates the problem; it doesn't squash the rumor. 

Pastor Martinez inherited some money from a church member. He felt it was God's grace in his life to provide for his retirement. Rumors spread.

He called a special meeting of the church to "clear the air." It didn't work; people's minds were fixed on their position. They said mean, hurtful things. The pastor resigned shortly thereafter. 

"Going public" with the problem spreads the seeds of discord where they did not previously exist, and gives it more credibility than it deserves. Using the grapevine is far better than the microphone. This pastor's ministry did not have to end. The deacons could have helped if they made home visits to those who thought there was impropriety. 

Our custom was to cancel the Easter Sunday night service. One year, during our business meeting, we had a particularly lively discussion about the issue. A deacon, who recently transferred into our church, adamantly opposed closing the service and spoke against it. He thought it would damage our witness for Christ in the community. Because of his concern, we voted to have the evening service. 

A few weeks later, Easter rolled around and we had a huge attendance on Sunday morning; it was standing room only. It was a glorious morning, but that evening, we only had eight present. Five of the eight were members of my family. Among those absent was the deacon who had made it such an issue. 

At the next deacons meeting, I brought the item up and suggested if the deacons had strong feelings on an issue and made it so known, they better be willing to support it. I said, "Don't vote for things unless you are willing to support it with your attendance." Everyone knew who I was talking about. 

The man got so angry that he eventually pulled his family out of the church and went elsewhere. Though we tried to intervene with home visits, we lost the family for good. I still believe he was wrong, but maybe I could have salvaged this family by confronting him in private instead of in a public meeting. 

"Church problems" are not the topic of small talk or casual conversation. Deacons must use caution when discussing them with other people. Share the problems on a "need to know" basis only. Confidentiality is an important element of conflict management. Without it, the deacon will escalate the conflict and hurt the people involved. 

Deacons Confront Conflict

Helen was a new member of the church who seemed a bit pushy. Within a month of joining the church, she came into the pastor's office with a list of demands for changes in the nursery. Her suggestions seemed reasonable, and Pastor Brent was appreciative that she brought the deficiencies to his attention. We made the changes and he thought that was the end of the matter. What the pastor did not know at the time is that she boasted to the nursery workers about how fast she could get things done. They resented the implication that she could do what they could not do for themselves. Her gloating caused major discontentment among the nursery employees. Because of the conflict, one resigned. 

The next week, the secretary walked into the pastor's office on a "do not disturb day." She said, "I just got off the phone with Helen. She is very upset about a decision the Church Council made last night, she says we don't care about missions because we are not promoting the Easter Offering. She wants to talk to you." A flash of anger seized Brent, who thought "who does she think she is? She has no right to question the council!" He was beginning to understand that she wanted the church to fit the mold of her church back East. 

When the pastor returned Helen's call concerning the Council meeting, he could not hear a word she was saying. He immediately became defensive and outraged at her suggestion that the Church Council is not sensitive to missions. Brent perceived that she would be at his office door with a new challenge each week. The phone call did not end well; Helen slammed the phone on the receiver while Brent was still talking. 

The conflict with Helen escalated in the coming months. She was vocal about her discontent with the pastor and the church. She launched a "phone campaign," complaining to whomever would listen. Helen whispered in the halls, and yelled in business meetings. She attacked every authority figure she could, and she drew blood. 

She consumed the pastor's schedule. If he wasn't listening to her complain about the church, he was listening to the church leaders complain about her. Brent met with her husband on a couple of occasions to see if they could resolve the problems. He decided they all needed to sit together, so they scheduled a meeting. 

The meeting was emotional. They confronted the issues and wept, but resolved nothing; things already had gone too far. The husband said, "Pastor, it appears that Helen is as much at fault in this matter as anyone, and we are sorry for that. If we could only have solved this before it went this far we could remain in the church, but now, we must leave." Then he asked, "Why didn't we get a visit from the deacons when this problem was brewing? Isn't that what deacons are for?" 

The answer to that question is yes! Because the pastor was involved in the conflict, he was not an objective spiritual leader. The deacons needed to step in to bring some control and order to the problem. At the end, Helen learned what she did wrong and changed her behavior at her next church. It is too bad she didn't learn before she burned her bridges and had to move her membership. 

Pastors and deacons should be mutually supportive, especially at times when they are under attack by someone in the congregation. In one church I served, we adopted a policy requiring that neither the deacon nor pastor would agree with any criticisms received against the other. The person receiving a complaint would acknowledge the complaint, but would encourage the person to make any complaint directly to the person involved. If this were not acceptable, it was up to the person to contact the pastor or deacon and discuss the matter openly. Our commitment to each other was that if the complaint was justified, we would undertake immediate action to rectify the situation. The party receiving the complaint was kept informed until all were satisfied, and we resolved the issue. Problems not addressed promptly will most likely grow larger as time progresses. 

Sources of Conflict

The issue at the heart of the conflict is usually an honest difference of opinion. Perhaps it relates to church finances or other issues that appear during times of change in the make-up, activities, or leadership structure of the church. 

Personality differences often overshadow the importance of the issue at the center of conflict. People usually side with friends despite the issue under consideration and naturally fall on the opposing sides with people they've fought with before. 

People don't always fight over big issues. In one business meeting, I watched the church approve its largest budget ever, almost without question, unanimously. Five minutes later in the same session, a dispute occurred over the purchase of a six-dollar volleyball. The debate lasted more than thirty minutes, but the conflict never really ended. 

Results of Conflict

Conflict can ultimately result in the closing of a church, or to a healthy resolution where God's grace reconciles all parties and strengthens relationships. Between the extremes are a variety of symptoms, each with its own level of emotional stress. Every conflict results in anger, pain, withdrawal, aggressive behavior, loss of control, divisions, and strife. 

Unresolved conflict brings the spirit of the church down. A sister church a few miles away from mine seemed always to have a conflict going. Finally, with only ten or twelve members left, they voted to disband the church and close its doors for the final time. Immediately, some of their members began to visit our church. I made a home visit on one of the leadership families that visited our church. The wife described their visit in our worship as, ". . . the first time in sixteen years that they felt the presence of God during a worship service; our worship services always contained a feeling of tension and the exchange of glares among the members."

Before conflict inflicts this kind of pain in the church, deacons need to confront the problem and introduce God's grace into the bickering. The book, Equipping Deacons To Confront Conflict, is a great source of finding the Biblical patterns to employ to resolve conflict. Widespread conflict in the church may create the need to seek help from an outside source. Your denomination can help you find or provide the necessary help.

Deacons need to take every expression of conflict in the church seriously. The longer the conflict remains before resolution, the greater opportunity for its rapid growth. Though most people do not enjoy confrontation, it is an absolute necessity to bring peace in the midst of a storm. Allowing conflict to remain without resolution can undo the positive contributions achieved by the church and block its future opportunities. Confrontation, accompanied by a spirit of love, with the desire for reconciliation of all parties will protect your church from the effects of prolonged conflict.

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